Friday, March 22, 2013

To let go OR to hold on?

After years of knowing what I don't want to do, I was still fighting with my world outside and well,.. inside too. "Should I just cut all my 'fancy' ambitions and get down to reality as advised by the likes of people who have seen more world than me or should I go against the tide like I always have?" the question haunted me.

A friend once told me that I am a rebel for the sake of being a rebel. Now, I did not want to live up to that reputation. Especially, cause I believed myself to be a revolutionary :)

So, when I was being divided in understanding who I really was and illogically (for others) rejecting 'ideas' and offers of 'help' (which my brain intercepted as sympathy), things just happened from nowhere! Well, not really nowhere, but from unexpected quarters and to a large extent from unknown people too.

I was still skeptical when I attended the interview in Chennai and even more skeptical when I got through it. I remember not reacting to the news. Was I so sure that I will get through that I was non-reactive or was I so apprehensive about the whole thing that I was not really sure whether to be happy or sad, and hence non-reactive? Whatever the reason was, my face was largely non-reactive, but the turmoil within is something that no one will ever know.

Braced with the fact that my new year will truly be a new year with new people, new places, new work, new environment, I realised that everything that was new was also totally unknown to me. Ah! The new or unknown never scared me. But the scar of letting go of things haunted me. 

Anyways, with all kinds of encouraging words from family and friends, I managed to reach Chennai. But now, beyond 'reaching Chennai' it was completely unto me to prove myself that am a revolutionary and not a rebel.

Inhibitions to get out of old scars are so much that we sometimes refuse to get out of it. That is exactly what I did- refused to help myself get out of it. I wanted to dwell in it and I kind of liked myself in that state. But me being me, I could not just go on that way. Oh ya, hating my job sometimes made me feel good but sometimes worsened the situation. There were times I found reasons to quit it and go back. But I knew for sure I did not want to go back. Like always, I knew what I did not want. :) And well, I did not want to be the quitter too. But then, everything was going wrong. That is how it is always, isn't it?

And then I chose to see things beyond what my eyes could see. Life suddenly became simply more beautiful. The feeling was not attached to my job, nor the place, nor the people. And the best way to prove it is the fact that my Facebook updates are no longer about how much ‘I love Mysore’, ‘miss Mysore’, ‘am in Mysore’, about Mysore and so on. I remember the times when people would ask me what happened when the word 'Mysore' did not turn up in my updates. Mysore was so much a part of Lakshmi Krishnan..... until now. No, I am not not saying Chennai has replaced Mysore.. It never will..

What has happened is that I have grown beyond the attachment for people, places and things..
What has happened is that I have learnt to let go of people, places and things..
What has happened is that my state of mind (read peace) is not because of people, places and things..
But what should not happen is that I should not forget to hold onto people, places and things..because, there is a lot of difference between 'letting go' and 'holding on'.

I want to let go and hold on...

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